this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
