fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
