If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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