last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
