Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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