dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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