get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
