and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
