I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
