Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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