What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
