she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
