Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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