sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
