I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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