now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
