I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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