I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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