So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
