I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
