It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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