im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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