I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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