i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Buhtt sex?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize