I wish I could punch you in the face.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
