and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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