How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
someone owes me an orgasm
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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