so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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