I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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