he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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