dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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