i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In other news, I just burned my penis
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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