i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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