Sponge bath it is.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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