he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did I show you my penis last night?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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