I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize