every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
