i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
