what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
