if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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