Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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