no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
