I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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