This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
