Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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