Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
