I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
a search helicopter?!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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