God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
