I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
