She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
