Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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