I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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