and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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