My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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