Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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