Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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