i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
